David Duchovny


Unfortunately, readers, Hanz has moved out.  After being released from Arkham he stayed with us briefly, but as soon as he found out that we were the ones that sent him off to the asylum, after attacking me and the cat in full battle garb, he decided it was time for us to part ways.  He packed up his little Rambo-style duffle bag with his autographed picture of David Duchovny, his jester cap, and his Orange Lantern, Lantern….wait a minute that’s mine Orange Lantern, Lantern!  Little furry bastard!  Argh, never mind, anyways after packing up his belongings he headed on over to my parents place in the Logan District.

Hanz's Autographed Photo of David Duchovny

It has been over a week since that happened and I haven’t heard a peep out of Hanz since.  He hasn’t written me any letters or even been featured on the news calling my name to pay his current bail.  My Mom has called a couple of times and we’ve chatted like always.  Apparently from what she’s told me Hanz has apparently been quite mischievous.  In less than a week he’s shaved their long-haired Daschund, Fuzzy, flooded the basement several times by clogging the drain with said shaved Daschund hair, and devoured entire crock pots of Chicken Ole’ before it ever even hit the dining room table!  He even hotwired a derelict VW Van and took off down the street before colliding into the neighbor’s trampoline kit sending one child careening over the fence.  Luckily no one saw they incident, so it was kept hush, hush and blamed upon the ‘bad’ neighbors of the block.

Fuzzy after her shaving 'incident' with Hanz

And, even after all of this my parents have begrudgingly still accepted to watch after Hanz.  He’s settled down there lately, and now just drinks cases upon cases of Heineken while watching re-runs of the X-Files and longingly staring at his autographed photo of David.

Well, we’ll see how long Hanz will last on Ermina.  I hate to say it, but I miss my Hanz….

Hanz when he posed for Abercrombie and Fitch in '10

The Return of Hanz


Unfortunately I haven’t written about Hanz our ferret in a while; not because I’ve become apathetic on my personal accounts of the dubious adventures of Mopey Ferret and the Malicious Gorilla, but rather because Hanz has simply snapped.

I had just come home from the Safe, thrown my keys onto the counter top (like I always do), and was in the process of grabbing a cup of coconut enriched coffee when I looked up and saw Hanz.

Apparently he had spent the evening drinking again and watching Braveheart over and over, and like all viewers of the movie Braveheart had fallen into a deep semi-drunken coma with his furry little paw still clutching his Bacardi bottle.  When he had awoken he had trashed the apartment, ripping out the closet doors revealing Malicious Gorilla’s domain (in which he peered at me around the corner now), dyed his fur with blue food coloring, and fashioned a rudimentary spear out of my Bushido stick that I keep in our office.

From there he had headed out on the balcony of our apartment covered in blue war paint, frantically hopping about the railing screaming in Gaelic, with his crudely made spear threatening the neighbor’s cat.

I had no idea that he was even outside much less making all that racket!  I couldn’t hear through the sliding glass, but as soon as I saw him I spit out my coffee, and ran for the sliding glass door.  As soon as I opened the door Hanz was on me in flash.  He was biting, gnawing, cursing…I couldn’t help but scream!  All the while the dumbass cat across the way just stared at me as a rabid ferret hopped up on his own imagination and insanity with way to many scenes of Braveheart in his little fuzzy cranium attacked me!  I eventually beat him off of me and trapped him back out on the balcony.

From there he just menacingly staring at me through the glass with his Bushido stick in one clutched paw and his Orange Lantern, lantern in the other.

“Hey, wait a minute that’s my Orange, Lantern, lantern you furry little bastard!”

Anyhow, long story short, I ended up getting a Tetanus shot that day and ultimately submitting Hanz to the Arkham Asylum for the Criminally Insane.

Today is the big day where I get to pick up Hanz from the Asylum.  Hopefully he’s been rehabilitated (we’ll find out I suppose!).  I know Malicious Gorilla has been missing his regular beatings and I even have to admit that life isn’t the same without my Mopey Ferret.

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