Yesterday, Hanz and Chubby got into a ruckus for the first time. Living with an aggressive, criminally insane ferret and a politicized, obese Dachshund is going to have it’s troubles as all ferret, gorilla, and Dachshund owners know. The altercation was incited because Chubby playfully decided to tease Hanz about his stylish new Beret (which was recommended to him by one of Abercrombie & Fitch model buddies) and in response Hanz told Chubby to quote, “Shut the hell up you fat bastard,” unquote. Even with years of political understanding under the wise tutelage of Anthony Weiner Chubby’s rebuttal was expeditiously choked off like Vader finishing off an Admiral. In his frustration Chubby rashly charged Hanz knocking him to his still shaved buttocks from his foray at the Renaissance Festival; this of course escalated and resulted in a shaved and dyed Dachshund, a razed sofa, a strapped for cash Batman, and an emboldened ferret (like Hanz needs to be emboldened anyhow).
Chubby may sway like a cake shovelin’ Sumo wrestler, but what he did not know is that Hanz studied the art of Teppenyaki for six weeks in New Jersey one summer along with Barney Stinson (the two met in college and are longtime wingmen). The fight was briefly glorious, however; it was like watching a fat kid run in Forrest Gumps’ leg braces towards a closed down IHOP. No one wants to tell the kid it’s futile, but we all know once he hits the shuttered doors it’s going to be sad. Chubby was obviously brave to face a bi-polar, knife wielding ferret, but his finesse was sorely lacking. I watched, dumbfounded, as Hanz embarrassed Chubby even further by trimming his shaggy hair like Edward Scissorhands finishing off a shrub and then repeatedly dunking him various dyes. After Hanz was done with Chubby he looked like a reverse Panda Express logo…just sad. Also, my sofa was destroyed by a frenzied ferret.
It took hours to calm Chubby down after the incident. And, like all quandaries Chubby opted to do what we all would do in the same situation…he called Batman. Weirdly enough we have a bat signal on our roof. We waited and waited, and Batman nor Robin showed. I am assuming Batman was preoccupied elsewhere and had bigger fish to fry that evening. Regardless, I still have a seriously perturbed Dachshund who just keeps holding mock debates, straw polls, and conventions for his stuffed pig Fredrick. Hopefully Fredrick can talk some sense into him.
Also, Malicious the Gorilla still lives in Brad’s closet.