Pita does not equal P.E.T.A


Well, in lieu of our ferret being kicked out of his own union due to the fact that he fell madly behind on his dues has caused Hanz to fall into a deep, deep ‘pitt’ of despair.  However, even with his poor demeanor and his sullen attitude he managed to contact what he believed was the main headquarters of P.E.T.A., in order to force the union and his employer to create better working conditions, and maybe…quite possibly…eradicate his back union dues.

Although, his sad little ferrety heart was in the right place his mind just couldn’t comprehend the aromas that beseeched his little nostrils upon entering the local PIta Pitt on Hamilton.  After miming his woes to the Pita Pitt manager he simply shrugged his shoulders and sauntered back home with yet another failure under his belt.  Alas I don’t think he quite realized that Pita Pitt uses mostly ferret meat in their more meaty pitas, so it is perhaps fortunate, to say the least, that he was able to escape the confines of the establishment with his fleshyness upon his bones.    (What a meat bag.)

Nevertheless, mopey ferret…is still well mopey ferret…

Although in other news the gorilla has decided to adopt a name since we have been simply referring to him as “the monkey who most not be named.”  Instead of adhering to a more conventional name he’s opted to go by Prince’s old symbol…the symbol was also lonely since Prince decided to want a career again and the gorilla is obviously lonesome because well his only company is a maddened ferret who thinks himself an organizational genius as well as a 1940’s British officer of the law.

Anyhow, remember don’t defraud your ferret because he might become sad and resort to Pita Pitt for retribution, and always respect your captive gorilla by at the very least naming him.

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Instead of Sad Duck…it’s Mopey Ferret.


Apparently most of my ferret’s insurance money was taken from him by the very same union that he created because in the week’s time that the union has existed Hanz fell behind on his dues, and now owes his local F.U.C.K. Union $327,000.00…slightly less than what I owe to my own union, the U.F.C.W. 1437, but still aggravating nonetheless.

Now, because of this I have to deal with a suicidal ferret who won’t stop weeping and trying to raid my liquor cabinet.

Maybe he should take some mushrooms and play Mario…that might calm him down a bit.

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My Ferret, Hanz, has Decided to Unionize


As you may know I and my roommate Brad have recently purchased a Ferret, that we have faithfully named Hanz, that is the ‘guardian’ of our urine producing gorilla…well, it seems as if Hanz is quite upset with his absurdly low wage as well as his poor healthcare and retirement benefit packages, and has thus in his anger decided to unionize.

He’s spent the last few evenings within’ the closet of solitude devising logos, Powerpoint presentations, and false statistics to create a long and winded history of what he has dubbed the ‘Ferret Uniter for Caring Koalas,” more commonly known by their simplistic, yet profane acronym.

(Also, as an aside Hanz has the education of a 2nd Grader and therefore doesn’t realize that he is harboring a malicious gorilla, instead of a caring koala but that is besides the point)

He has now gone so far as to rent a venue for his union hearings in which he scurries to and fro from the podium in which he addresses the audience (himself) and the audience seats in which he poses questions about the union that he already knows the answer to.

As amusing as this is to me his ‘quality’ time with gorilla has immensely diminished, which greatly upsets me as his employer, so in a similar fit of rage that caused him to start his union, F.U.C.K., I burned his premises to the ground and pretended to make an insurance payout to him via mail fraud thus solving the whole debacle.

The moral of the story don’t underpay or undercut your ferrets…they’re likely to get testy.

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Don’t Worry it Wasn’t a Silver-Back


So, my roommate and I have decided to capture a gorilla, lock him in our hallway closet, and use him to fill water balloons with urine, so that we may humiliate the obnoxious neighbors that seem to think it’s ‘rad’ to throw loud parties on a Wednesday night at 2am…when I and/or my roommate have to work at four or five in the morning at the Safe.

Alas, we came up with the idea of the gorilla, but we then needed a secondary creature to keep the gorilla in line because I mean come on it’s a several hundred pound beast residing in the confines of a third story apartment building…he’s bound to get ‘up-ity.’

So, while my girlfriend and I were out one day meandering through the local pet stores and what not we came across the largest man-ferret that I have ever seen!  And, then it dawned on me…Brad (my roommate) and I will buy him, train in psychological warfare, name him Hanz, and provide him with a 1940’s British bully club…that way if the said gorilla gets ‘up-ity’ the ferret can knock him back in place, plus if a burglar breaks into our humble abode who the hell in their right mind is going to take on a 30-lb ferret named Hanz wielding an antique bully club!?

This plan sounds fool-proof, and don’t worry folks the gorilla was treated with the up most respect and care as allowed under the Geneva convention.

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