David Duchovny


Unfortunately, readers, Hanz has moved out.  After being released from Arkham he stayed with us briefly, but as soon as he found out that we were the ones that sent him off to the asylum, after attacking me and the cat in full battle garb, he decided it was time for us to part ways.  He packed up his little Rambo-style duffle bag with his autographed picture of David Duchovny, his jester cap, and his Orange Lantern, Lantern….wait a minute that’s mine Orange Lantern, Lantern!  Little furry bastard!  Argh, never mind, anyways after packing up his belongings he headed on over to my parents place in the Logan District.

Hanz's Autographed Photo of David Duchovny

It has been over a week since that happened and I haven’t heard a peep out of Hanz since.  He hasn’t written me any letters or even been featured on the news calling my name to pay his current bail.  My Mom has called a couple of times and we’ve chatted like always.  Apparently from what she’s told me Hanz has apparently been quite mischievous.  In less than a week he’s shaved their long-haired Daschund, Fuzzy, flooded the basement several times by clogging the drain with said shaved Daschund hair, and devoured entire crock pots of Chicken Ole’ before it ever even hit the dining room table!  He even hotwired a derelict VW Van and took off down the street before colliding into the neighbor’s trampoline kit sending one child careening over the fence.  Luckily no one saw they incident, so it was kept hush, hush and blamed upon the ‘bad’ neighbors of the block.

Fuzzy after her shaving 'incident' with Hanz

And, even after all of this my parents have begrudgingly still accepted to watch after Hanz.  He’s settled down there lately, and now just drinks cases upon cases of Heineken while watching re-runs of the X-Files and longingly staring at his autographed photo of David.

Well, we’ll see how long Hanz will last on Ermina.  I hate to say it, but I miss my Hanz….

Hanz when he posed for Abercrombie and Fitch in '10

The Return of Hanz


Unfortunately I haven’t written about Hanz our ferret in a while; not because I’ve become apathetic on my personal accounts of the dubious adventures of Mopey Ferret and the Malicious Gorilla, but rather because Hanz has simply snapped.

I had just come home from the Safe, thrown my keys onto the counter top (like I always do), and was in the process of grabbing a cup of coconut enriched coffee when I looked up and saw Hanz.

Apparently he had spent the evening drinking again and watching Braveheart over and over, and like all viewers of the movie Braveheart had fallen into a deep semi-drunken coma with his furry little paw still clutching his Bacardi bottle.  When he had awoken he had trashed the apartment, ripping out the closet doors revealing Malicious Gorilla’s domain (in which he peered at me around the corner now), dyed his fur with blue food coloring, and fashioned a rudimentary spear out of my Bushido stick that I keep in our office.

From there he had headed out on the balcony of our apartment covered in blue war paint, frantically hopping about the railing screaming in Gaelic, with his crudely made spear threatening the neighbor’s cat.

I had no idea that he was even outside much less making all that racket!  I couldn’t hear through the sliding glass, but as soon as I saw him I spit out my coffee, and ran for the sliding glass door.  As soon as I opened the door Hanz was on me in flash.  He was biting, gnawing, cursing…I couldn’t help but scream!  All the while the dumbass cat across the way just stared at me as a rabid ferret hopped up on his own imagination and insanity with way to many scenes of Braveheart in his little fuzzy cranium attacked me!  I eventually beat him off of me and trapped him back out on the balcony.

From there he just menacingly staring at me through the glass with his Bushido stick in one clutched paw and his Orange Lantern, lantern in the other.

“Hey, wait a minute that’s my Orange, Lantern, lantern you furry little bastard!”

Anyhow, long story short, I ended up getting a Tetanus shot that day and ultimately submitting Hanz to the Arkham Asylum for the Criminally Insane.

Today is the big day where I get to pick up Hanz from the Asylum.  Hopefully he’s been rehabilitated (we’ll find out I suppose!).  I know Malicious Gorilla has been missing his regular beatings and I even have to admit that life isn’t the same without my Mopey Ferret.

Crabs


As mopey the ferret sits in the waiting room reading the latest issue of Cosmo waiting to be checked for any sort bacterial leftovers via Barb the Comcast hooker…he thinks to himself…I wonder what the gorilla is doing this lovely Spojakistani afternoon?

Flash forward not in time, but in place to the closet of solitude and the malicious gorilla is thinking to himself…how the fuck do I get out of here!?

As Hanz gets into his hospital gown his hairy yet toned cheeks feel a slight breeze and he instantly starts hoping around in a festive but natural war dance about the hospital room.  The camera attended by the lonely yet curious security guard zooms in on the ferret’s exposed cheeks wondering why he is so lonely and intrigued by a ferret’s buttocks.

My Stoic and Downtrodden Gorilla

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The gorilla sits in silence pondering the many mysteries of life…how did we get here, why are we here, and is there life elsewhere in the universe?

Mopey Ferret Dance in a War Dance

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As the orderly fondles the particulars of the mopey ferret the hospital staff member also wonders why am I touching a ferret?  And, even though I’ve been through numerous medical courses can I contract crabs via prostate exam?

All of these stories are intertwined with one another and their immediate destiny, but whose will be lead the future of the human race to glory?

Find out on our next radio serial…on October 8th!

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Stoic and Downtrodden


I feel as if I’ve let my readers down by not divulging into the complex and sensitive nature of my gorilla’s psyche.

Without the gorilla…there would be no mopey ferret, and without the mopey ferret there would be no gorilla.

Therefore I present to you a small nugget of the intricate nature of the malicious gorilla who has assumed Prince’s neglected symbol.

My Stoic and Downtrodden Gorilla

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The Tale of a Liquored Up Ferret


Well, Hanz had his evening of ‘fun’  with Barb the Comcast hooker, and boy it did not play out how I expected it to…apparently Hanz is either confused upon his sexual preference or the hooker did something to traumatized Hanz to the point of fur raising.

I just don’t know what to do anymore…

Last night I got home from work after his botched hooker experience and I found a passed out ferret within the confines of my booze fridge…his fur was all matted and nappy like long-haired Dachshund, and he had finished off a whole fifth of Vodka and had popped off the top of my Captain Morgan’s spiced rum!  That little bastard almost drank me dry!

Upon gaining consciousness he threw up an old union bill and sauntered back into the closet of solitude where he proceeded to have a bonding moment with the gorilla or a mild molestation case ensued…either way the gorilla, as always, seemed to just stare straight ahead, unmoving, and stoic.

The next afternoon I took Hanz out for lunch hoping to at least gain some sort of understanding as to why he had, yet again, achieved a high level of mopiness; however, he just stood upon the table lapping up his beer with his whole head shoved in the mug just as stoic and silent as the malicious gorilla within my closet back at the apartment.

Hanz Drinking a Beer at a Luncheon

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As aforementioned…I’m just not sure what to do anymore…maybe I’ll contact a psychologist or check him into rehab if his dabble in alcohol continues to increase over the weeks.

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