Road Trip!


Well, Celeste and I just returned from our friends to the South, with Hanz in tow.  Luckily the Mexican authorities didn’t want to stir up any trouble, so with a couple of Benjamin’s passed their way they were more than willing to hand over Mopey the Ferret without any questions.

Hanz, however, is slightly traumatized by the event and has been particularly solemn the past couple of days.  He just keeps his head hung low, and even the stewardess on the plane couldn’t get him to eat his complementary peanuts.  Any reference to “nuts” just pisses him off even further because it reminds him of Mr. Peanut the Squirrel, which has now become his arch nemesis.  It even states it on his driver’s license that his arch nemesis is Mr. Peanut.  He just has to send in the confirmation, and then they can battle freely in the streets.

I was surprised that the plane ride didn’t make him at least a tad bit happy because how often does Hanz get to wear his flying outfit from his Abercrombie & Fitch days?

Hanz in his Abercrombie & Fitch flight outfit

Anyhow, the only time he has perked up at all is when the in flight film happened to be “Evolution” starring Hanz’s beloved David Duchovny.  I think if he didn’t have David he would be Hanz the Comatose Ferret, instead of Hanz the Mopey Ferret.

Evolution starring David Duchovny

Ultimately, he’s decided to stay at our apartment once again.  I think his trust for us has been rebuilt since we came and rescued him from Mexico.  Also, Malicious Gorilla seems to comfort him.  As quiet as Malicious Gorilla is he seems to make Mopey the Ferret feel very at home.  I find them cuddling quite often when I get up in the night to head to work.

Hanz head is nestled tightly in Malicious the Gorilla’s forearm as he slowly rocks him to sleep.

Malicious the Gorilla and his comforting ways

—————————————————————————————————————————-

I woke up this morning to find Mopey the Ferret and Malicious Gorilla gone!  My ’93 Protégé is missing as well, and the only thing to mark that they had even lived here is the large amount of feces in the closet where Malicious resides and a hastily scrawled note that reads, “Gone to Hollywood to meet David. ~Hanz”

Hollywood

Honestly, the only part that surprises me is that Malicious went with Hanz…hopefully they’re all right, but the hell how am I supposed to get to work now?

My '93 Protege

Betting on the Chihuahua Races


Today, I woke up groggy like most mornings, glanced over at my phone, which glimmered with a picture message icon that had been sent from an unknown number.  I didn’t think much of it at the time and I ended brewing some coffee, placing my annual Chihuahua racing bet for Cinco de Mayo upon Zoomie Schultz, and then started into some much-needed relaxation by slaying Goombas before I decided to check the message.  I couldn’t believe my eyes once I opened the message!  I’d describe the horror to you, but you’ll just have to see what I received in order to believe it.  Here’s the pic I received this morning on my mobile:

Enslaved Ferrets in a Mexican Jail Cell

Apparently, Hanz was in trouble and had sent me a last-ditch message pleading for his safety as well as the safety of others.  Luckily I know a guy, who knows a guy, who also knows a guy, who was able to help me out.  After a lengthy game of phone tag I eventually found out where Hanz and gone and what had happened.

Apparently, he ran off from my parent’s house shortly after a particularly terse argument with my sister Caitlin about how David Duchovny is NOT the greatest actor in the world.  This argument occurred yesterday morning, so he had only been on the prowl for a day or so.  This argument enraged Hanz and he had promptly ferreted off with his duffel bag and Orange Lantern, Lantern in paw to a supposed friend’s house.

Mopey Enraged After his Argument with Caitlin

Apparently while in Arkham he met another inmate who was liked-minded and was released just a tad earlier than Mopey.  His name is Mr. Peanut and he happens to be a crazed, health nut of a squirrel obsessed with ruing the day.

Mopey thought that he could trust Mr. Peanut because of the experience that they shared, but as soon as Mopey entered the squirrel’s abode he was abducted via drop down cage and quickly shipped off to Mexico for several pounds worth of peanuts and a canister of Whey Protein.  Now Mopey is residing in a Mexican prison cell on Cinco de Mayo with other enslaved ferrets that also thought they had made a friend with a macho squirrel named Mr. Peanut.

Mr. Peanut

Normally on Cinco de Mayo Hanz would make his traditional nine layer bean dip, watch and bet on the Chihuahua races at my parent’s house, and get liquored up like he always does.  The most trouble he’d ever cause was maybe peeing in a garden or two before collapsing into a pile clutching his empty box of wine and autographed picture of David.

The Annual Cinco de Mayo Chihuahua races at my parents house!

Mopey doesn’t deserve this!

Nevertheless, as I write this post my girlfriend and I are packing.  We’re going to Mexico, and we’re rescuing Hanz!  And, once we return it will be Mr. Peanut the Squirrel who will rue the day!

I wish we had Seal Team Six...

The Return of Hanz


Unfortunately I haven’t written about Hanz our ferret in a while; not because I’ve become apathetic on my personal accounts of the dubious adventures of Mopey Ferret and the Malicious Gorilla, but rather because Hanz has simply snapped.

I had just come home from the Safe, thrown my keys onto the counter top (like I always do), and was in the process of grabbing a cup of coconut enriched coffee when I looked up and saw Hanz.

Apparently he had spent the evening drinking again and watching Braveheart over and over, and like all viewers of the movie Braveheart had fallen into a deep semi-drunken coma with his furry little paw still clutching his Bacardi bottle.  When he had awoken he had trashed the apartment, ripping out the closet doors revealing Malicious Gorilla’s domain (in which he peered at me around the corner now), dyed his fur with blue food coloring, and fashioned a rudimentary spear out of my Bushido stick that I keep in our office.

From there he had headed out on the balcony of our apartment covered in blue war paint, frantically hopping about the railing screaming in Gaelic, with his crudely made spear threatening the neighbor’s cat.

I had no idea that he was even outside much less making all that racket!  I couldn’t hear through the sliding glass, but as soon as I saw him I spit out my coffee, and ran for the sliding glass door.  As soon as I opened the door Hanz was on me in flash.  He was biting, gnawing, cursing…I couldn’t help but scream!  All the while the dumbass cat across the way just stared at me as a rabid ferret hopped up on his own imagination and insanity with way to many scenes of Braveheart in his little fuzzy cranium attacked me!  I eventually beat him off of me and trapped him back out on the balcony.

From there he just menacingly staring at me through the glass with his Bushido stick in one clutched paw and his Orange Lantern, lantern in the other.

“Hey, wait a minute that’s my Orange, Lantern, lantern you furry little bastard!”

Anyhow, long story short, I ended up getting a Tetanus shot that day and ultimately submitting Hanz to the Arkham Asylum for the Criminally Insane.

Today is the big day where I get to pick up Hanz from the Asylum.  Hopefully he’s been rehabilitated (we’ll find out I suppose!).  I know Malicious Gorilla has been missing his regular beatings and I even have to admit that life isn’t the same without my Mopey Ferret.

Stoic and Downtrodden


I feel as if I’ve let my readers down by not divulging into the complex and sensitive nature of my gorilla’s psyche.

Without the gorilla…there would be no mopey ferret, and without the mopey ferret there would be no gorilla.

Therefore I present to you a small nugget of the intricate nature of the malicious gorilla who has assumed Prince’s neglected symbol.

My Stoic and Downtrodden Gorilla

Blogged with the Flock Browser

The Tale of a Liquored Up Ferret


Well, Hanz had his evening of ‘fun’  with Barb the Comcast hooker, and boy it did not play out how I expected it to…apparently Hanz is either confused upon his sexual preference or the hooker did something to traumatized Hanz to the point of fur raising.

I just don’t know what to do anymore…

Last night I got home from work after his botched hooker experience and I found a passed out ferret within the confines of my booze fridge…his fur was all matted and nappy like long-haired Dachshund, and he had finished off a whole fifth of Vodka and had popped off the top of my Captain Morgan’s spiced rum!  That little bastard almost drank me dry!

Upon gaining consciousness he threw up an old union bill and sauntered back into the closet of solitude where he proceeded to have a bonding moment with the gorilla or a mild molestation case ensued…either way the gorilla, as always, seemed to just stare straight ahead, unmoving, and stoic.

The next afternoon I took Hanz out for lunch hoping to at least gain some sort of understanding as to why he had, yet again, achieved a high level of mopiness; however, he just stood upon the table lapping up his beer with his whole head shoved in the mug just as stoic and silent as the malicious gorilla within my closet back at the apartment.

Hanz Drinking a Beer at a Luncheon

Blogged with the Flock Browser

As aforementioned…I’m just not sure what to do anymore…maybe I’ll contact a psychologist or check him into rehab if his dabble in alcohol continues to increase over the weeks.

Blogged with the Flock Browser

Comcast Is Offering Free Hookers


Our ferret, Hanz, is driving me up a wall!  He won’t stop trundling around the apartment knocking cups of coffee and lamps off the shelves because he’s to sad to even walk in a straight line…and, then when you do get him to look up at you his eyes are just swollen with tears and he immediately chokes up, and then proceeds to race off into the closet of solitude to weep his sad tears away into the gorilla formerly known as Prince’s fur.

So, in order to pick his spirits up, yet again I might add, I thought of this little dandy!  The other day the Comcast ‘dude’ came meandering through are apartment complex asking for money and weed for a signature, so we of course locked the doors and evaded his hoarse calls upon the poorly constructed apartment door until he fell back down the stairs to his next floor of victims.  After a quick peek through a crack in the door a Comcast business card could be seen hanging from the notice clip beside the jam with the words “Free Hookers” scrawled across the front.

Comcast Business Card Offering Free Hookers

Blogged with the Flock Browser

So, after mopey ferret decided to become…if this is even more possible…mopier?  I dug though our piles of mail and dredged up the sticky Comcast business card and gave it a jingle.  After a brief conversation, a twenty to grease the wheels, and several gross violations ‘Pita’ protocols I was able to have Comcast send over their finest ferret hooker.

Now, I am currently just politely waiting for a soft-pawed knock at my door, and hopefully by this evening Hanz by will be a little less mopey.  Word has it from the Comcast representative that the ferret hooker’s name is Barb and she comes with her own pack of cigarettes…good times indeed Hanz, good times indeed!

Everyone wish Hanz a good evening, and everyone else have a good morning because Hanz is gettin’ lucky!

Blogged with the Flock Browser

Pita does not equal P.E.T.A


Well, in lieu of our ferret being kicked out of his own union due to the fact that he fell madly behind on his dues has caused Hanz to fall into a deep, deep ‘pitt’ of despair.  However, even with his poor demeanor and his sullen attitude he managed to contact what he believed was the main headquarters of P.E.T.A., in order to force the union and his employer to create better working conditions, and maybe…quite possibly…eradicate his back union dues.

Although, his sad little ferrety heart was in the right place his mind just couldn’t comprehend the aromas that beseeched his little nostrils upon entering the local PIta Pitt on Hamilton.  After miming his woes to the Pita Pitt manager he simply shrugged his shoulders and sauntered back home with yet another failure under his belt.  Alas I don’t think he quite realized that Pita Pitt uses mostly ferret meat in their more meaty pitas, so it is perhaps fortunate, to say the least, that he was able to escape the confines of the establishment with his fleshyness upon his bones.    (What a meat bag.)

Nevertheless, mopey ferret…is still well mopey ferret…

Although in other news the gorilla has decided to adopt a name since we have been simply referring to him as “the monkey who most not be named.”  Instead of adhering to a more conventional name he’s opted to go by Prince’s old symbol…the symbol was also lonely since Prince decided to want a career again and the gorilla is obviously lonesome because well his only company is a maddened ferret who thinks himself an organizational genius as well as a 1940’s British officer of the law.

Anyhow, remember don’t defraud your ferret because he might become sad and resort to Pita Pitt for retribution, and always respect your captive gorilla by at the very least naming him.

Blogged with the Flock Browser

Instead of Sad Duck…it’s Mopey Ferret.


Apparently most of my ferret’s insurance money was taken from him by the very same union that he created because in the week’s time that the union has existed Hanz fell behind on his dues, and now owes his local F.U.C.K. Union $327,000.00…slightly less than what I owe to my own union, the U.F.C.W. 1437, but still aggravating nonetheless.

Now, because of this I have to deal with a suicidal ferret who won’t stop weeping and trying to raid my liquor cabinet.

Maybe he should take some mushrooms and play Mario…that might calm him down a bit.

Blogged with the Flock Browser

My Ferret, Hanz, has Decided to Unionize


As you may know I and my roommate Brad have recently purchased a Ferret, that we have faithfully named Hanz, that is the ‘guardian’ of our urine producing gorilla…well, it seems as if Hanz is quite upset with his absurdly low wage as well as his poor healthcare and retirement benefit packages, and has thus in his anger decided to unionize.

He’s spent the last few evenings within’ the closet of solitude devising logos, Powerpoint presentations, and false statistics to create a long and winded history of what he has dubbed the ‘Ferret Uniter for Caring Koalas,” more commonly known by their simplistic, yet profane acronym.

(Also, as an aside Hanz has the education of a 2nd Grader and therefore doesn’t realize that he is harboring a malicious gorilla, instead of a caring koala but that is besides the point)

He has now gone so far as to rent a venue for his union hearings in which he scurries to and fro from the podium in which he addresses the audience (himself) and the audience seats in which he poses questions about the union that he already knows the answer to.

As amusing as this is to me his ‘quality’ time with gorilla has immensely diminished, which greatly upsets me as his employer, so in a similar fit of rage that caused him to start his union, F.U.C.K., I burned his premises to the ground and pretended to make an insurance payout to him via mail fraud thus solving the whole debacle.

The moral of the story don’t underpay or undercut your ferrets…they’re likely to get testy.

Blogged with the Flock Browser

Powered by WordPress.com.

Up ↑

%d bloggers like this: