“Vaginas R Us”

This week marks the beginning of my vacation and so nevertheless I have been taking it quite easy these past few days.  Nothin’ harsh, nothin’ extraneous is my current motto.  So, this morning I plopped my lazy ass down upon the couch to watch the newest “Colbert Report” on my now regrettable subscription to HuluPlus with a big bowl of “Lucky Munch.” (I’m too poor to afford the ‘Charms’ part, so I only get the ‘Munch’…after all I am a writer.)

As the episode of the “Colbert Report” began to buffer for the next four-and-a-half hours I snagged my laptop and began reading some of the morning’s headlines as I dove into my “Lucky Munch.”  First couple of headlines were ‘meh’ at best, but the third one down caught my eye.

Colbert makes too much money, and thus can afford actual "Lucky Charms."

“Crazed Ferret Molests Duchovny, Takes Gorilla as Hostage”

“Shit!” is all that came to mind.  Within a couple of Google searches I had the whole picture laid out.  Here is the information that I could gather from the intertubes.  Some sections of the web were blocked with blowup dolls, but I was able to gather what I needed to know about my retarded ferret and his shenanigans.  Here is a brief synopsis of the events:

Apparently, Hanz made it L.A. without incident.  No crashed Protégé, no pedestrians struck by a poorly insured Ferret driving erratically down the California state highway.  But, once they reached L.A. the shit really hit the fan quick.  High RPMs everything.  “Airplane” had nothing on the events that Malicious and Mopey traveled through that evening.  Malicious the Gorilla took off and hit several strip clubs in a drunken stupor before setting up his ‘nest’ at the classy “Vaginas R Us” strip club in L.A.  He then proceeded to get even more wasted and lets just say a 300-lb strip club bouncer does not stand a chance against a 600-lb silverback drunk off his ass with a wad of ones and a will to stay.

Yes, there is an actual "Vaginas R Us" in L.A.

Mopey, however, decided to ask Mr. Duchovny immediately about his script idea and with the help of the cast of “Big Bang Theory” was able to ascertain where David Duchovny’s house resided in the Hills with the promise to ‘get’ Walowitz a woman (Ah, gotta love Google Maps & Street View).  Nevertheless, Hanz, the Mopey Ferret, ended up scaling a 20-foot retaining wall and crawled into bed with David Duchovny and his mistress clutching a worn and battered script written in the ancient scrawl of ferret.  Needless to say when David reached over in the night and grabbed something unexpected and hairy Hanz and David equally flipped out.  Hanz began beating David with his script while David ran for the phone.  Long story short Hanz’s little butt cheeks were pumpin’ in the L.A. heat as a swarm of personal body guards chased after him.

David shocked after grabbing Hanz's....

Oddly enough Malicious was being chased at about the same moment by the ‘L.A. Bouncer Union’ (Unionized after the great stripper riots of the 90’s) after Malicious severely injured the “Vaginas R Us” bouncer by viciously tossing him into the stripper pole after he tried to take the drink out of Malicious’ paw.  Malicious staggering because of his drunkenness and Hanz because of the realization that he just beat his idol with a script they both headed to the Protegé.  They ended up reaching the Protégé at about the same time and screeched out of the city with as much urgency as a penguin looking for flight…both would frantically, and for good reason.

Malicious the Gorilla's expression while drunk, running, and passed out in the Protege's trunk.

The headline and video snapshot of my Protégé with a crazed ferret behind the wheel was taken by the L.A. police department, but miraculously enough Mopey and Malicious got away without being caught and no further instances.

Hanz behind the wheel of the Protege with Malicious passed out in the trunk.

Honestly how would you prosecute a gorilla and a ferret anyhow, plus who escapes in a ’93 Protégé?  I doubt the cops would have assumed that one…I sure as hell wouldn’t have!

In conclusion, Mopey made it back to Spokane in one piece.  He dropped Malicious off at Brad’s (they share a special bond, and since Celeste and I have moved out they’ve grown quite close.  Texting and whatnot), crashed my Protégé (fuckin’ A…again!)  at the corner, and passed out in the liquor fridge clutching his now bloodied script and a bottle of Bacardi.  I hope to God Hanz doesn’t try to clone David Duchovny now…at the very least he’ll probably try and sell David Duchovny’s DNA on eBay or something stupid.

The Protegé after he crashed it...

Happy Trees

Today we open with a tale filled with mystery and a bit of history.  Mopey the Ferret comes from a long line of crazed ferrets.  Some are more infamous and well known than others, but ultimately I decided to dig into Han’s past a little bit more this past week and create a genealogical tree for my little fury friend.

Last weekend, before Mopey hit the road with Malicious to find David, he sat before the television eating his morning bowl of granola while watching his favorite TV show, “Painting with Bob Ross” on PBS.  After the show finished up and Bob and completed the last of his “happy trees” Hanz muttered, “Franken-Ross” and slurped down the last bit of his milk and scuttled off to plan something more devious in the confines of his closet.

Mopey eating his morning granola, and watching "Painting with Bob Ross."

His sudden outburst was odd, but not unlike Mopey and I dismissed it.  Now we roll like a cube to a week later, with an absent Mopey and Malicious, and a completed ancestral tree.  Lo and behold I discovered quite an interesting tale about one of Mopey’s ancestors that explains his unusual outburst.

But first let me take you on a magical journey to a land far, far away…Canada.  You find a part of yourself you never knew you possessed and you may not, but regardless you’ll learn a little more about Hanz, and well…what makes him Mopey.

It was a cool crisp evening.  There was not a sound in the air.  The normalcy of machinery and electronics is gone from this world, because it does not exist yet.  It is a simpler time.  In age where man and ferret alike are just beginning to understand the sciences.  Hokum is the main stay here.

Within a dew encrusted field of unharvested corn lays a small house…more of a shack really.  The house is old, rickety and virtually uninhabited.  Crickets and mice fill the void, but beneath the shelter lays a basement, and within this basement resides another crazed ferret not so unlike our Mopey.  He looks near identical, but far more crazed than Hanz will ever become.

18th Century Canada

Bunsen burners, beakers, and bubbling, over-filled pots heated by hamster power cover almost every available space, and dead center in the room lies a table…a small monolith built to shackle a single man.

The ferret quietly works with his back to the narrator.  He shimmies, he paws, he mutters.  This type of work continues for many hours until all goes quiet again.

Then the pitter-patter of rain envelopes the eardrums with a steady, quick beat.  The ferret stiffens in response.  There is a crack, and then thunder and lightning erupt precisely once.

The ferret cries…”Eureka!” and steps aside to reveal a monster.  But, not just any monster, but the loveable Bob Ross!  Pieced together from fallen men by the mad, feral ferret, and Mopey’s distant ancestor!

Bob Ross...or, Franken-Ross?

Bob Ross cries out, frees himself from a stunned ferret, and rushes wildly and unpredictably into the Canadian forest.

I know this hard to believe, and that’s why I provided you pause to consider what I have just divulged.  But, Bob Ross is Franken-Ross, and he has been painting happy trees for well over two-centuries now.

He may be gone now, but who knows maybe our children or our children’s children will sit down with their granola and watch a painter paint his happy trees to a whole new audience that never even knew of…FRAKEN-ROSS!

Bob Ross

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